My friends in college used to hate it when I'd start out a tale by saying, "Oh, and another amazing yet true story..." I had a tough time convincing any of them my stories were either.
For an entire year before I turned fifteen I was fourteen. Shocker, right? Fourteen year old boys are one of the worst organisms nature has been able to throw at humanity. The sudden surge of testosterone is scientifically proven to tear down the connective fibers between the right and left hemispheres of the brain making it more difficult for males to multi-task and among other things, make decisions based on emotion and logic together. Basically, testosterone causes brain damage is what I'm trying to say.
When I was fourteen I thought I was seven foot tall and bullet proof. I was pretty sure I could do anything and even more sure of my immortality. So when I had the chance to take a challenge, I rarely declined.
My mom took me to the State High-school wrestling tournament that year. I didn't qualify to participate. So, as most wrestlers do, it was time to pig-out. A four-month period of starvation to cut weight during season can cause a binge-eating period when it's over. It had been a week since I began my gorging of food, so my stomach was ready for the challenge that awaited.
We ended up at a pizza joint called Happy Jo's. They had a specialty challenge. It was a large dessert. If you could eat it in less that 30 minutes, you would win a t-shirt, your name on a giant board of victorious challengers, and the dessert was free.
At that time I was 5'8" and around 150 pounds. That is 18 pounds more than the previous Saturday's weigh-in. It's a wrestling thing. I looked like a stick-man with a Volkswagen Beattle under my shirt. I told the waitress I wanted to try the challenge. She went to get the manager and he came out to explain the rules. It was simple. They bring the concoction of soda, ice-cream, whip-cream, chocolate, fudge, peanuts, cherries, and sprinkles. Eat it by yourself in 30 minutes and you win. Oh, did I mention it was a container the size of an extra large mixing bowl? I was actually intimidated at first.
I started by playing with whipped cream and mixed it into the soda. It disappeared for the most part. Then, I began to eat the ice-cream. I could feel my tummy cooling off from the spicy pizza I'd just ate. Soon the ice-cream was gone and freeze-brain sat in with vision doubling effectiveness. The fudge, peanuts and cherries were all delightful and finally all that was left was a gooey, cloudy, sweet liquid of soda, whipped cream, and other remnants of the original recipe.
I had a straw that was supplied by the establishment. It was a bigger straw than I was used to. That straw was the star of the show in my opinion. That made it easy to suck hard and gulp big. Never mind the pain in my head and stomach. I could see the level of liquid go down with every sucking action of my lips. Eventually, I noticed that the amount of soda left was less than inch or so. I wasn't even fifteen minutes into the challenge. Witnesses, that had numbered around three or four at the start had grown to nine or ten by then. So, with no effort, I took the last few sucks on the straw and it was gone. There were a few peanuts left at the bottom. I scooped them up and ate them with a grin like a cat that just ate the family bird. I had won.
So, now was the time to receive my just rewards. I summoned the manager. He came out of the kitchen area with a look on his face like, "What the heck is going on?
"I did it. I ate it all!" He looked at me, then at the many people standing around me and said with a sarcastic smirk, "Ya right, sure you did. They helped you!"
I said, "No they didn't. I did it all myself"
He rolled his eyes as if he was a teenager told to clean his room. He said, "Look, I know you didn't eat it all by yourself, so just quit acting like you did"
My new friends all looked at each other like they couldn't believe what they heard. I boldly said, "Hey man, I did do it all myself" He just shook his head and walked away. Now frustrated, I stood up and yelled as he disappeared to the kitchen area, "I did do it, you big jerk!
I asked the waitress, "Didn't you watch this? You saw me do it right?" She shrugged her shoulders as if to let me know that she didn't dare stand up against the manager.
Even though I had beaten the challenge, I had lost in a big way. Because at that moment, I realized that the world was not perfect. I found out that people who ran this world in positions of power were perhaps jaded and corrupt. Never again would I trust someone in an authority position just because they are bestowed the Label of "manager", a position they received by being smart enough to kiss the bottom of what it takes to make it to the top.
*Disclaimer: This depiction of management does not include my current boss of course!
