Cat's, lies, and video tape

You can call me a good ol' fashion cat lover if you want. You'd be wrong, but go ahead call me one if you feel the need. I'm not a cat hater though, so no stories of cat brutality can be told. Growing up we had a few cats living with us from time to time. I was mostly indifferent to them. I didn't bother them. They didn't bother me. As a young adult I was still trying to decide if I liked cats or not. I didn't have much opinion either way when one summer afternoon I got back into my car after visiting a friend. I had left the windows down in the car due to the heat and as I got in my car and sat down, a stray cat jumped from the back seat on to my shoulders and sprung out of the car window from whence it came leaving a few painful claw marks on my neck and a nearly shattered car windshield from the high-pitched scream I let out in reactionary terror.
I was no longer riding the fence about my feelings. Cats were now on my wrong side. I still wouldn't say I hated cats at that time. Hate takes too much energy and I had other things to do.
After I got married and started raising kids, we didn't have a cat live with us that I remember. There were no cats in our house or yard or within BB-gun range, just as a unit of measurement, NOTHING else.
Time went on and the children grew into adults and teenagers. Wow, teenagers ... Don't ever have teenagers in your house. They are horrible creatures that give cats a good name in my view. One spring my 15 year old daughter who wasn't exactly in my good graces at the time, kept bugging me to let her get a kitten a friend of hers was offering from a litter. It was the easiest series of "NO's" I had offered in ages. Eventually, she worked "the mom angle" and my wife came to me with the question and presented a pretty good argument about the benefits of having a cat in the house. You know, "They are clean, they take care of themselves, they don't smell, they don't make messes, they are quiet, and best of all, they magically rid the house of any mice by their presence alone!" ALL LIES. I stood my ground and presented a resounding, "Over my dead body NO". Yes there was weeping and gnashing of teeth, but I was proud of myself at standing my ground for possibly the first time in my life.
The very next day, I came home from work a few minutes before supper was done and sat down on my chair. After a couple deep breaths, I fell asleep for a well-deserved cat-nap (pardon the pun) I woke to the feel of something light and small on my chest. When I opened my eyes, there was a black kitten rear-end exposed without shame two inches from my face. Apparently that is their way of saying "hello".
My decision not to allow a kitten in the house had been vetoed by the true powers that be. The wife and kids figured if they presented a loving, cute, little, kitten to me in a special way, I'd melt and quickly forget the fact that I had forbid it. I don't recall the exact words spoken in the house over the next few minutes. I do remember supper being equal to any gourmet meal served to royalty. I'm sure it was just a coincidence and not part of any diabolical plan to appease me.
The kitten and I kept our distance for the first few days and eventually it began to jump on the chair and offer it's behind for inspection and acceptance as they often do. I even returned the favor a few times when the correct GI conditions presented itself.
My daughter named the cat Kaeg (cage) I seriously doubt the cat cared much about it's exotically spelled name. The only thing it did care about for along time was sharpening all Eight claws of each foot on the carpet, furniture, walls, cupboards, beds, my arms and legs and whatever else would hold still long enough for it to destroy.
After being de-clawed, it was quite awhile before it fell for the old, "Here kitty kitty, wanna go for a ride?" trick.
Every night after we fall asleep, mostly between 2:30am and 4:00am, he paws at the door to be let outside. I always wake up and let him out. A few hours later, he paws at the door until I wake up and let him back inside to play. He certainly never had any intention of actually sleeping at night. His job was to make sure I never slept for more than a few hours straight.
Nine years later not much has changed, until a couple weeks ago. I let him out around 2:00am. The rest of the night I woke up at hour and half-hour intervals thinking I heard the familiar pawing at the door. Nope, one false alarm after the other. He never returned and I have no clue what happened to him or where he is. I'm not sure at what point I became a cat lover, but it started with a chair.

New Age of Language

With the explosion of technology over the last 20 years, we've seen unparalelled changes in our lives from amazing medical advances to time wasting social-networking. The telecommunications industry has become the ever-growing monster of mass media madness. Banking has become so impersonal you may open accounts, apply for and complete loans, pay bills, transfer money and I'm sure several other things I'm not interested in by simply pushing a few buttons on your phone, without every talking to a bank employee in person or on the phone. This is just the tip of the iceberg of technology advances we've seen in our everyday live's. So, I began to think, which isn't always the best thing for me to do, but is there a good understanding of the differences between technology jargon and real-life dialogue? I came up with a little quiz to see if we can differentiate between certain phrases or quotes from the internet and telephony compared to everyday life and classic entertainment.
Is it a Famous Movie Quote or FaceBook status updates? You try to choose the right answer.
"Here's looking at you, kid." vs "OMG! Totally saw this cute lifeguard"
"I can't wait til I'm 18 so I can blow this dump" vs "There's no place like home."
"You can't handle the truth!" vs "Just found out Santa isn't real. Half the presents now?"
"You're gonna need a bigger boat." vs "Headin' to the river with my BFF's and some Buds"
"I literally can't even" vs "Houston, we have a problem."
"Do I look like an idiot? HELLO?" vs "You had me at 'hello."
Next, choose whether these quotes are from automated phone system options or wife questions.
"Press One for English." vs "Do I make myself clear?"
"Should we go wallpaper shopping today?" vs "Press Nine for more menu options"
"If you know your party's extension enter it now" vs "Whose phone number is this, KIRK?"
"Enter your card number, followed by the pound sign" vs "Can I have your card number?"
"If you are finished please hang up or choose another option." vs "You are finished! Hang up!"
"All lines are busy. Plese try your call again later" vs "Not tonight dear, I have a headache"
And my personal favorite: "Are you even listening to me?" vs "Your call is very important to us, please continue to hold."
You can see that it's still pretty easy to tell the difference between technology's accepted lingo and our own creative way to communicate with each other. If this ever changes it will become even more difficult for me to effectively communicate with anyone or anything. That could be a good thing, depending on your point of view.

The 15 pound Hamburger

Those of you who have seen the size and shape of my tummy from time to time will not be shocked at the revelation that I enjoy a tasty Hamburger ... or two ... or more. My love for this ambrosia-like food goes back before I can remember. I've ordered and cooked them in nearly every imaginable way. Twenty years or so ago, a popular burger chain made a delicious attempt at the perfect burger. Named after Michael Jordan, it was a quarter pound of beef with cheese, onion, pickles, BBQ sauce instead of ketchup, and bacon. It was not uncommon for me to devour four of these for lunch in those days. The beginning of an unhealthy lifestyle, but bear with me it gets more peculiar I promise.
I'm not sure where I came up with the inspiration to make the 15 pound Hamburger. I just know that once the idea was planted in my head, there would be no rest until I had accomplished the feat.
I had no idea how to make a bun that big or how to cook a ten pound beef patty. Since I wanted it to be enjoyably edible and not super thick and stacked high like you now see on food shows that try to make mammoth burgers that are impossible to get your mouth around, I would need to figure out how to spread it out to an ergonomically friendly size.
I have one of those large camping type frying pans that you can cook two dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 20 sausage links and enough hash browns to choke a horse without any of the items touching each other. Do horses even eat potatoes? Anyhow, the pan is 32 inches wide and appeared to be able to handle the job.
The bun consisted of three one-pound frozen bread dough loaves. Once thawed and proofed, I cut and molded the mountain of dough into a bun-shaped sort of blob that fit into the giant pan. It wouldn't fit in the oven, so I put it on the outdoors grill that wouldn't close all the way due to the size. Therefore, I had to rotate it quite often. It wasn't perfect when it was done, but came out better than it should have considering the low skill level of the baker.
The beef patty was the focus of the entire show. I bought one of those 10 pound tubes of burger and carefully patted that out to fit the 32 inch pan as well. My meat is always well cared for as it is the most important item any time I have a guest(s)
Although I named it the 15 pound burger, it was likely closer to 17 or 18 pounds with condiments.
The list of other items used in the final preparations before serving were as follows;
4 large tomatoes sliced
2 pounds of sliced cheese
1 large head of iceberg lettuce
1 entire jar of mayo
1 bottle of mustard
1 bottle of HEINZ ketchup (any other brand is sub-standard and not allowed in my house)
1 quart of slice dill pickles
Yes, I completely forgot about bacon. I have no excuses. It was a rookie mistake.
Until the burger was ready to be flipped over, I had not thought about just how to perform that task. I set it off of the propane burner to quickly devise a plan. Without overly explaining the procedure, I'll just say it involved four people, wax paper, tin foil, a small end table, a chunk of ply-wood, some cursing and blind luck. Once that was complete, the bun was cut in half, the condiments were at the ready and the excitement level was pinnacle. I originally planned for eight adults, but with all the activity and aroma in and around my garage a few neighbors went from on-lookers to fully vested participants.
Several of us worked for a few minutes building the masterpiece. A few pictures were taken and finally the first cut was made. Thirteen people worked hard on their portions to eat all they could of what can only be described as edible art. When all were full and the evening was done, there was still a little over half of it left. I wrapped it up and gave away what I could and "suffered" for the next few days to eat the rest. My only regret is the bacon. HOW COULD I FORGET THE BACON?